Q: Do these devices really work?
A: They appear to work in actual practice but have not been proven to work in theory.
Q: The idea of healing with energy, frequency, vibration, sound and color all sound fascinating, but do you believe they really work?
A: No.
Q: Well, if you don't believe they work why do you spend time researching and studying them?
A: Because they seem to work whether you believe it or not.
Q: What is the best way for me to heal myself?
A: Become a FUNdamentalist, invoke your farce-field and open your clown chakra. Remember, God loves you, she's just not ready to make a commitment yet. The answers are already within us. The tricky part is matching them with the corresponding questions.
Q: When is a good time to start on improving my health?
A: Now is generally considered to be the best time since it is too late to do it sooner.
Q: Do you think that health problems can be solved with technology or are natural methods better?
A: There are positives and negatives to both. For example, when NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and twelve billion dollars in research developing the Fisher Space Pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C. The Russians used a pencil.
Q: Does the medical establishment recognize humor as a healing tool?
A: No. In current medical protocol, laughter is frowned upon. I believe that frowning should be laughed upon. Lack of humor is no laughing matter. A real good laugh several times a day has a profound effect on the human jestive system. Make no mistake, I take humor very seriously. I also take seriousness very humorously. Also, if you are suffering from irregular hilarity, I highly recommend a good "sillium" supplement as a daily laughsative, and is also a highly effective treatment for irony deficiency and truth decay.
Q: How can I lose weight?
A: In a recent article for the Journal of the American Medical Association, Dr. William Fry of Stanford University, a well-known gelotologist, noted that "besides increasing heart rate and hormone production, laughter also improves muscle tone and circulation. Indeed, a good laugh is a kind of workout, he says." I believe that this statement by Dr. Fry confirms that it is possible to laugh your ass off.
Q: What is the real key to health?
A: I have some bad news and some good news. The bad new is -- there is no real key to health. The good news is -- it was left unlocked.
Q: Is it O.K. for me to drink diet soda containing aspartame?
A: Yes, Certainly. There are even a number of useful advantages to this hideous substance. You can hide your own Easter eggs. You are always meeting new people, and you never have to watch reruns on television. P.S. You might want to pick up one of those little sonic key finding gizmos from Sharper Image. This will become a necessity as time goes on.
Q: I've heard of an Italian Pasta Diet that my friend says really works. What do you think?
A: It really does work. Here it is:
- You walka pasta da bakery.
- You walka pasta da candy store.
- You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
- You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Q: Are there really vast conspiracies to keep alternative healing modalities from us?
A: I think so, but the best way to illuminate the darkness is to make light of it. Life is a sitcom, so just sit calm and enjoy it.
Q: Are there any differences between a Doctor and God?
A: Yes. God doesn't think he's a doctor.
Q: I'm very worried because my doctor told me I may have something that I've never even heard of before. What should I do?
A: Not to worry. Most all doctors suffer from Language Obfuscation Disorder (LOD). Striking mostly doctors, surgeons and oncologists, Language Obfuscation Disorder causes its victims to speak in unintelligible medi-babble while imagining their words make perfect sense. People afflicted with this disease literally speak in Greek, substituting normal-sounding English words (like "liver" and "inflamed") with words made of Greek elements ("hepato" and "itis" or just hepatitis.) Interestingly, two or more victims of LOD seem to be able to understand each other perfectly well, although no one else has any idea what they're saying. Entire vocabularies of esoteric jargon, based on circular reasoning and ignorance, have been invented by true believers to describe their imagined version of reality.
Q: I've heard that some people can eliminate pain just with the power of their mind. Is this true?
A: Yes. The Dali Lama refuses his dentist's Novocain and any anesthesia during root canal and other dental work. He claims he can transcend dental medication.
Q: How can I increase my lifespan?
A: We who laugh, last. Joy is the jackpot in life, and if you still believe jack is the jackpot, you don't know jack about joy.
Q: Is it possible to drink alcohol, smoke, eat chocolate, and still be healthy?
A: Two researchers wanted to find out the answer to this question so they placed four worms into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the experiment, the researchers reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the senior researcher asked the apprentice - What can you learn from this experiment? The apprentice replied, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Q: Do you think the world is getting real crazy or is it just me?
A: It's obvious things are getting very strange when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more? We have gone from the era of Nazi Germany to the age of Not-See America.
Q: I heard that cutting down on fat and drinking a little red wine is good for you. Is this true?
A: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like . . . it's speaking English that kills you.
Q: Can you please explain to me how the practice of 'Natural Medicine', which has been around for over 3000 years, is now called "ALTERNATIVE", while the practice of 'Allopathic Medicine', which has existed for less than a century, is officially referred to as "TRADITIONAL"?
A: No.
Q: I like the idea of eastern medicine. My friend had excellent results with acupuncture. Do you think there is something to this?
A: Acupuncture is better than doing nothing, but not better than doing something.
Q: Homeland security is warning us to be prepared for a possible biological attack. Is there an ayurvedic treatment for anthrax?
A: Yes. Cremation.
Q: I am worried because my medication has a warning label on it describing some very dangerous side effects. Should I be concerned about this?
A: Not to worry. There is currently legislation before congress to require that a warning label be put on warning labels that warn that warning labels have been known to cause adverse reactions in some people.
Q: I can't decide what instrument to buy.
A: That is a common problem. Studies show that 65% of Americans are confused, the other 35% aren't sure.
Q: Are there averages or statistics to support the efficacy of alternative health methods and instruments?
A: Statistics and averages can be deceiving. The average human being has one testicle. Like the man with his head in the oven and his feet in the freezer said, "on the average I feel pretty good". Statistics means never having to say you're certain, and please bear in mind that all things measurable do not necessarily have value and all things of value may not be measurable.
Q: I'm not sure of all this alternative technology. What will my family, friends, and other people think?
A: If you are worried about what other people will think, I've got really good news for you. Most people don't think.
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